disappointing God

“I know you and everything about you. Why would I have an expectation other than what I already know? That would be foolish. And beyond that, because I have no expectations, you never disappoint me”.

~Papa, The Shack

The first time I read this, my jaw literally dropped at this new mind blowing concept. Could this be true? Could it be possible that God was never disappointed in me? In all my failures? In all my short comings?

My mind wrestled with this new idea for months. It kept coming back to this dark hidden belief that I had deep down in my heart that my Father in heaven was surely disappointed in me.

I was a sinner after all. And even when I “confess and repent”... I had to face the fact that I had disappointed him as part of that process.  Right?

Looking at this new concept brought up a truck load of disappointments in my life.

•  Wasn’t my very existence a disappointment to my biological father (who left the country when he found out my mom was pregnant), wasn’t my conception something that caused disappointment in my mother by her family? By his family? I mean for real… having a child out of wedlock at 15 MUST have been a disappointment! Surely God was disappointed when I was conceived.
• Wasn’t I disappointed by not having a father growing up? YEP Surely God was disappointed by that too. 
•  Wasn’t I disappointed when I was abused by a neighbor, by my uncle and by family “church” friends throughout my youth? YEP. Surely God was disappointed by that too.
• Wasn’t I disappointed when my mom got married and I had to start sharing her? Yep. Maybe God wasn’t disappointed by that, but I sure was at first.
• Wasn’t my constant mask wearing a disappointment to everyone around me? Or actually, WOULDN’T it be a disappointment when my different groups of friends discovered my masks? This was a fear I hid from for a LONG time! Surely God was disappointed in me for wearing masks.
•  Wasn’t it my fault when my kids messed up? Wasn’t my “disappointment” in their issues actually disappointment in my own parenting failures? Surely God was disappointed in me more than He was in them.

The list went on and on… times and places where I had been disappointed by others, and I was disappointing to others.  

But here I was, starting to recognize a still small voice negating the idea that God was disappointed.

At first I wanted to hold tightly to the idea that God was disappointed. That’s one of the ways that I had been able to grasp the concept of “when bad things happen”. When bad things happened, they disappointed God too, and someday they’d pay for it!!! 

Wait a minute… looking at this “when bad things happen” to me stuff, shouldn’t I be using a stronger, harsher word than “disappointed”? Some of these things on my disappointment list should have made me downright angry. Some of them legitimately could have made me sad. As I began to explore this concept, I was able to move past the band-aid of “disappointment” and actually deal with my anger and sadness over all the hurts in my life. I also realized that much of my life was being lived in fear of disappointing others! The feeling I had when I thought about disappointing God and others was toxic shame. It didn’t go away easily. 

Sometime later I re-read the Shack, and there it was again.

“I know you and everything about you. Why would I have an expectation other than what I already know? That would be foolish. And beyond that, because I have no expectations, you never disappoint me”.

~Papa, The Shack

This time I could see a loving Father, looking directly into my eyes saying it even clearer.

“You never disappoint me… I know exactly how many times you’re going to mess up before you get it right. Each time you miss the mark it’s a cause for celebration because you’re now 1 miss closer to the time you’ll get it right!”

Sin means we’re malfunctioning. We’ve fallen short of His design for our lives. Sin is a failure on our part. But here God was telling me that when I sin (miss the mark) he’s not disappointed?! 

What if He was pleased just to be in relationship with me?

What if He was pleased that I could agree with him that I mess up (daily!)?

This looks totally different from a God who was disappointed in me for my weaknesses.

Then the word GRACE interrupted my thoughts. I saw the cross. I saw Jesus there, dying for my malfunctions… every one of them. And the big picture became clearer. He’s not disappointed, because He already paid for it. He’s not disappointed because He didn’t expect anything less.

I don’t need to “get it right” to please Him. This love and grace He extends is stronger than all the lies that try to separate us. 

All He asks of me is that I admit that I didn’t get it right. He doesn’t ask me to wallow in guilt and shame for weeks over it… just look in His eyes and “celebrate that I’m 1 miss closer to the time I’ll get it right”.

And even though I don’t know the future, I want to extend this way of life to my loved ones. I am done putting expectations onto the people around me and falling into the despair of disappointment when they fail. People fail us, that’s what they do. I fail too.

But I have (and continue to) experienced the tender heart of a loving God in response to my failures and now I’m beginning to want to do the same for those around me that mess up too.