through the ups and downs

In a normal half marathon setting, as you move along you are encouraged by supporters that cheer you on and offer you water. My 14 mile hike on the Tanawha Trail was not quite the same experience, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have supporters along the way. 

I can’t write about this journey without mentioning how awesome my husband was during it all! We started off arriving at our “lunch” point quite a bit early and he rushed up the path all alone with a cooler, bread, peanut butter and jelly, snacks and a gallon jug of water to refill our camelbaks while we sat by the Boone Fork River with our feet in the water taking a break.

Originally I had posted about this hike asking supporters to come and meet us at spots along the way to give it the “race” feeling, but up until Mile 11.5… my husband was the one who was there. He gave his entire day to drive up and down the parkway getting us supplies and meeting us for water refills and offering encouraging smiles.  His support is appreciated GREATLY!

After our 2^nd meetup with him, we were entering the “Rough Ridge” zone of the hike. Believe me, I never fully realized the meaning of Rough Ridge up until this point. Sure, I’ve hiked this beautiful section before as a small mile out and back hike, but on this journey, the Rough Ridge became our “wall”. 

 Every runner or marathoner will tell you that at some point, they hit a wall when their body tells them that they can go no further. It’s actually a real thing, caused by the depletion of glycogen stores in the body that can leave you feeling fatigued and without energy.

Rough Ridge was the 9 ½ mile point for us. It was a steep boulder hopping climb to an elevation of 4773 that afforded breathtaking 360 degree views of the Blue Ridge Mountains. Getting to the top of it was exhilarating!

When we arrived at the first outlook, the winds were blowing so strong I felt like I was standing on the front of the Titanic with Leonardo DiCaprio holding my arms out shouting “I’m on top of the world!!”

But the most incredible thing was the green. Everywhere we looked the color green was climbing up the mountains. Just the week before, it was still mostly brown, but on this Mothers’ Day weekend, spring was racing up the mountain right with us.

It was honestly breathtaking. I’m used to the “Blue” view… but this kaleidoscope of green felt dreamlike. Every different type of tree had a slightly different shade of baby green. The fact that we didn’t have blue skies didn’t even matter.

From up here… only the views mattered. Our tired legs didn’t even seem to care about the depleting glycogen stores.

We explored the cliffs and played around taking pictures for a while. Momentarily we felt like our journey was over.

 

 Until we noticed that bridge over there in the pictures. That bridge is our destination, or rather, the mountain top BEYOND that bridge is our destination.

From up here, I think the realization that we still had a long way to go was starting to sink in. 

 I’ve felt that way in life before too. I’m very aware of the fact that I’m FAR from perfect. I’m FAR from who I was created to be, and who I want to be. Sometimes, when I get a glimpse of just how far off I am … it can be a little overwhelming. Sometimes, it even seems pointless. And that can leave me not wanting to even try anymore.

I remember clearly sitting atop the highest peak on Rough Ridge thinking those same thoughts. Thinking, this is good enough. This is far enough. Let’s just settle here. I even felt peace in that moment and I knew that Jesus was going to love me even if this was as far as I got.

Then I stood up, stretched, and said, “let’s do this!” and started down the steep descent of this current mountain crest with my friends by my side. We didn’t talk much at this point. I think we were all sorta lost in our own thoughts… and we continued down…. and around, and down some more, and through the boulder field… each of us beginning to become aware of just how exhausted we were.

Have you ever experienced something exhilarating and amazing only to be followed by a low point… a crash?

This is what we were going through for miles 10-11. The low. The down. The “what goes up, must go down” moment.

Just when I was about to stop and give up, I thought to ask Jesus where He was at that exact moment. I was in the “lead” at that time, and noticed my 2 friends were slowing down behind me and I was starting to feel like they didn’t want to be with me anymore. (I mean, this was “my thing” and they were just along for the journey right... they were probably feeling pretty sorry they had agreed to this by now!) 

When I feel alone like that, I’m learning to find Jesus with me in the moment. Since He is Immanuel, God With Us… why not ask Him to let me see where He is??!!

So, in my head, I asked Him, “Where are you now Jesus?”. And I got a glimpse of Him, just ahead of me on the path, turned backwards kinda jogging backwards… full of life and energy… with a glint of excitement and love in His eyes. 

He was waving me forward saying “Come on!” I felt a huge surge of energy burst through my veins and my pace picked up. I felt like I was skipping along the trail, hopping over rocks effortlessly, chasing after my leader who was so full of life it was irresistible! I turned around and saw that my friends had fallen back behind me quite a bit so I shouted back to them to encourage them as well. 

I reminded them that we were not alone on this journey and kept pressing on...

 "But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Is 40:31

to be continued....

from the bottom...

The whole week before my big event is now just a blur of memories of checking the weather! All the weather reports kept giving me a 60-80% chance of thunderstorms throughout the day of my hike. I was beginning to panic and question and doubt, when that still small voice said once again, “I got this”.

I don’t know what it is about those 3 little words. They seem just as impactful and powerful as “I love you”. 

With the phrase “I got this” whispered in my soul from my beloved…. I rested in a deep shalom knowing that no matter what happened it would all be okay. 

As Saturday morning arrived, one last glance at my weather app showed me that overnight, much of the bad weather had turned north or dissipated and while the clouds still remained… my chances for rain were much smaller. Before the sun even rose, I knew that God was working things out behind the scenes all along.

With excitement stirring in my belly all the way up the parkway, the fog lifting off the mountains seemed to paint a picture for how I felt at that moment. It wasn’t butterflies in my stomach, but a cool misty fog rising up from within that would soon lift away making room for the adventure of a lifetime.

The 3 of us started off with prayer and some stretching and it wasn’t long before we were surrounded in the tunnels of the rhododendron. How fitting that the beginning of our journey symbolized a birth. Like a birth canal, the tunnels urged us forward into a new life. We began noticing the extensive root systems under our feet, and even over our heads in these tunnels. How fitting that these roots became the stepping stones that gave us the strength to push upward and onward thru the hills. Occasionally, we would stumble on these roots though, and our feet would get caught in them… usually it was a quick kick that  propelled us to stay on our feet, but it occurred to me that if we weren’t careful, these roots could cause one of us to fall. 

  This is so true in life as well. It’s our roots… our family... our history… our past…. That gives us strength sometimes. We can use those roots to propel us forward and rise up to new things. OR, we can trip on them, get stuck and never move on from them.

I believe I’ve spent much of my life up til this point, sitting on the forest floor with my foot wrapped around a root system.

But no longer.

Now I am able to allow most of my roots to give me a step up, and I’ve got friends and loved ones who will take my arm and balance me when other roots try to trip me up along the way.

 As we continued on the trail, we moved on from the tunnels and out into beautiful open pastures. Graceful hills, distant trees, tall grasses and wildflowers beckoned us to dance and skip like little girls. Reminiscent of the Little House on the Prairie views…. I felt the beginnings of freedom rise up within my heart.

The fog had lifted by now and the birds were singing fresh morning tunes inviting us to continue on. From here we could see Grandfather Mountain in the distance… a glimpse of our destination. It looked so far away, but at this point, only encouraged us to pick up the pace… excited that we were actually going to go that far!!

The next few miles took us back into the woods, with steeper inclines and beautiful quiet streams. Every quiet stream always reminds me of Psalm 23. Now that I mention it, the scripture was a perfect description of the trail so far…

"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,   

   He refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
 Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me."

Before long, we started to hear the rumblings of thunder and we trudged on knowing that when God said “I got this” that he meant it no matter what it looked like to us. The rain came down, slow at first, and we put on our rain gear. Then the skies opened up and just poured out the waters upon us. All we could do was just keep putting one foot in front of the other. With our heads down the path was our main focus. Always on the lookout for slippery spots, we took special care not to trip on roots here, especially where the path was skinny and the soft edges would have sent us tumbling downhill. I took comfort in the scriptures that I searched out during the week prior to this moment.

 Scriptures that showed me that when the Lord sends rain- its purpose is to cause fruit to grow.

I thanked the Lord for his provision, for his rain. And we kept walking with good spirits and without fear. The few claps of thunder in the distance were not cause for concern.

Yet the reminded me of this section of 2 Samuel that I had prayed over our journey just the night before.

“He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy, with great bolts of lightning he routed them.”

2 Sam 22:15

I imagined my enemy (in the spirit) along the trail being scattered away… so that the rest of my journey would be clear and I would not be ambushed. I thanked him for his protection.

And the rain stopped. Our way was clear now. 

to be continued....

an introduction to the immanuel process

A friend of mine once told me that she was envious of my ability to “self-heal”.  

But what she didn’t realize at the time was that I don’t heal myself… I only allow the Lord to come and do the work in me.

When I say things like that to people, sometimes I get a polite nod and an “isn’t that nice” type of response. Other times I am met with a totally blank stare. 

I realize that this concept of “allowing the Lord to heal me” is very vague and mysterious for someone who hasn’t experienced it themselves.

Sure, there are some circles (SOZO & other inner healing ministries) who know what I’m talking about… but to be honest, most of my “friends” aren’t in those circles! 

So, today I want to give you an example. A peek into one of those times that I let the Lord do some work in me. After reading this next section (which will come straight out of my prayer journal), I will then explain a little bit about what was going on and give you some links for learning more! And in case you're wondering- yes, this post will be a bit longer than normal!

*First some background on what was going on in my life at the time: I had just discovered that my uncle, (I’m giving him a fake name of Peter in this blog entry) who had abused me as a child, was on Facebook because his picture showed up in one of those “friends recommended for you” based on common friends notifications. I was thrown into a fit of disgust, despair and panic and found myself on the bathroom floor sick over the thought of him possibly seeing my daughter’s picture on Facebook somehow. The next morning I went to the Lord with my pain.

“Be with me Jesus, I am ready to go wherever you want to take me. Remind me of your love Lord-

I’m remembering when I was driving home from Bradenton watching the sunset- singing praises as loud as I could. Feeling so close to you God- feeling alive- my entire body lifted up and so aware of your presence in the car with me. I felt your love and your joy and your pride and overwhelming acceptance. All of this was felt at my core- I could feel you smiling- I was warmed and touched by the sunset- watching pink spread across the sky like a blanket- each breath I took seemed to extend the reaches of color even further across the sky. As I sang- you painted- and we created joy together.

In my mind, remembering this time, I need to ask you…. “Jesus, where are you now as I am faced with seeing Peter again?

Distractions… frustration… nothing!!!

(Decided to call my Dad to help me connect with Jesus again- I told him briefly about how I was stuck and not able to hear from Jesus about his situation)

I go back to the image in my mind of the car and thinking about the sunset and singing and joy together with Jesus.

I ask Jesus… “What’s up with this panicky feeling?”

Everything feels really dizzy….. the room is spinning ….

My Dad reminds me to stay focused on Jesus.

Everything is spinning but me and Jesus. Like in the mad tea cups at Disney world… in my head everything is crazy… but there’s Jesus. Standing still, in the middle of it all with me.

Now, instead of feeling panicky and afraid, I still see Jesus and I have peace.

Now it’s like a ride at the fair- part scary- part fun- exciting.

What does Jesus want to show me about all this spinning?

He takes my hands and spins me around like a child. We laugh together.

All the spinning in my head comes to a complete stop.

What now Jesus?

He still has my hand in his- and now we are in a very dark hallway.

But I’m not afraid. (Normally I would panic at this point, afraid of where he’s taking me)

But I’m not afraid. We’re just in a dark hallway… and suddenly I have a rush of overwhelming compassion for Peter come over me.

It’s like I’m here- at peace with my Jesus- but I know Peter is alone in the dark somewhere.

I ask Jesus, “Why aren’t I scared?”

And I notice that I know the door is right behind me. Behind the door is light- its outside- its fresh air and bright sunshine.

I ask, “Jesus, what do you want me to know about this door?

I have a choice. I can stay in the dark and let fear creep back over me OR I can go through the door and shut Peter alone inside OR I can go through and leave it cracked open so he can find the light OR I can go through and burst it open- letting the light flood in over him.

There’s no right or wrong here. It’s my choice.

I choose to leave it cracked open for him. It feels like me to do that. Part of me wonders if it would be more holy to leave it wide open though.

Jesus reminds me that when you’re in the dark- a large quantity of light thrown at you hurts… it’s gentler to do the “cracked door of light”.

Jesus is okay with my choice.

So Lord- what does this mean literally?

Peter has seen me- but I am not a victim- I have Jesus’ light in me- and it’s okay to let him see that.

The disgust I was feeling is gone- I don’t have to go charging at him- I can trust that God has a plan and take comfort in focusing on Jesus- not Peter.

I am safe."

What you just read is an example of what is called the “Immanuel Process”. This is a healing prayer format that is led by the spirit… not by man. It begins from a place of appreciation … in a “memory” of a good connection with the Lord. This is different from other inner healing methods because it begins in a place of safety instead of jumping headfirst into a trauma memory.

Sharing a time of peace and joy with “God with us” (Immanuel) essentially warms up our brain so that it is more open and receptive to hearing from God or dealing with pain. 

Because I had done this before, I was comfortable doing it right in my living room with just me and Immanuel. But I hit a wall. The issue I was dealing with was a big one and I needed someone else to come along side me as well to help me increase my capacity. That’s why I called my Dad. My Dad didn’t do much talking at all… he was simply glad to be with me and his presence  and familiarity with the situation and with the Immanuel process I was in gave me the strength I needed to overcome my fears. 

As you see, after hitting the wall… I had to go back to the joyful memory before pressing on further into the painful place. This is another key element of the Immanuel process that makes it feel much safer. 

Then you’ll notice that I still had a wall of sorts to get through… in the Immanuel process, whenever you notice something…whether it’s a feeling or a picture or a word… you simply ask Jesus what he wants you to know about it. As you can see from this example, he is quite capable of using the walls we hit to move us beyond them without our even realizing it!

Over the course of an Immanuel Process, the key element is that God is with me. Even though God is technically always with me… discovering where He is and recognizing that He is there is when I am able to experience His peace and healing happens. 

Before I knew (experienced) God was with me, I felt disgusting and panicky and I wanted to run away and hide forever. But then Immanuel showed me that He was with me and that I had a choice about what to do with my pain. When I made my choice and started to question if my choice was the right one, he came alongside me again and encouraged me. Knowing that I had a choice and that my choice was pleasing to Him removed the panic and the disgust that I felt before.

If you’d like to know more about how to experience Immanuel Healing for yourself… check out this free brochure with instructions from Life Model Works.  Or purchase this booklet with even more information: Share Immanuel

You can also learn more at Karl Lehman’s website. (He’s the Christian psychiatrist who developed this process.)

If you’d like someone to be your helper in learning to experience this process, I can help you with that! I am currently in the process of becoming a certified Life and Recovery Coach and plan to offer help with Immanuel process prayer as one of my services. I’m currently looking for some “practice clients” so email me if you’re interested!