talk to strangers

“Don’t talk to strangers” was the theme for my generation growing up. It remains the theme today in most parenting advice columns. 

With pedophiles and murderers on every mother’s mind… it’s not surprising that we continue to insist on this rule.

“Don’t talk to strangers” when said to a child in the context of protecting them is a necessary blanket statement that we hope will keep them from getting into that strangers white van or accepting a piece of candy from the old man behind the playground.

Now, maybe this is just me, but I think somewhere deep in the file cabinet I call a brain, I still hear this warning when I’m around people I don’t know. This silent warning has blended with my “introversion” and “shyness” and kept me from lots of joy.

You might be wondering why I just brought up joy. If you think that joy is happiness, it shouldn’t have anything to do with maintaining that rule of “Don’t talk to strangers”. 

But joy isn’t happiness.

Joy is relational. 

Joy is the reaction in our brain when someone is glad to be with us.
^a

This can happen when we’re experiencing a happy situation, a sad one, a scary one.... any situation at all. 

But it only happens in the context of RELATIONSHIP. Joy is what we need. It helps our brain grow healthy connections. Joy reduces stress, improves our immune system, improves resiliency and transforms lives for the better.

For people like me, who “shy” away from meeting new people; that means joy is hard to come by unless I’m with my existing “people”.  

The problem is, I moved a lot. I moved so much growing up that in 12 years of school I went to 20 different schools. 

That meant that I was constantly meeting “strangers”. The file cabinet in my brain made it an extremely lengthy and difficult process to make friends. Whether I realized it or not, I was fearful of new people and new relationships. Even though that’s exactly what I longed for.

It’s not the ideal environment for joy when you’re afraid of everyone. Now don’t get me wrong… I was not CONSCIOUSLY aware that I was afraid of people. This was a fear I wasn’t in touch with. But that’s the really special thing about our brain… it does quite a few things automatically without us realizing it!

God designed our brains to come alive in the context of relationships with Himself, and with other people.

When I walk around avoiding eye contact, avoiding conversation, and embracing my “shyness”, my brain becomes starved for joy.  

But what if I wasn’t trained to be afraid of everyone? What if I saw people I met as opportunities for joy? What if I opened myself up to relationships and my brain was fed with those relationships?

Do you know what else your brain can do all by itself? It can read people. In the world of psychology it’s part of what they call “emotional intelligence”.

For our purposes, let’s just call it the “reading system”.^b The reading system helps our brain interpret what’s going on in others brains. However, if it isn’t working correctly, I might “misread” you.

Actually, let me be honest... SINCE mine isn’t working correctly, I’m controlled by fear because I can’t read you!

"Better to be safe than sorry" is my brain’s motto.

Another way to look at this, is that if I’m feeling fear (unbeknownst to me), and your reading system works well, it will recognize that I’m afraid and your interactions with me will be colored by that knowledge… even though you didn’t consciously form an opinion about me! ^c

Being “wired” in the brain with fear is really a major hindrance to anyone who is trying to build joy. 

That’s where an active relationship with Immanuel can help. Immanuel is able to help me recognize my
own fears, and when I am able to look at them with honesty and vision set in reality, I can then use the facts of what’s really going on around me to determine whether or not my “fear” is justified. 9 times out of 10, it’s not. And for those times when fear was a healthy reaction to the person in front of me, Jesus is able to help me feel safe again.

Now I can talk to strangers. I can see people as opportunities to smile and make friends; even if it’s just while I’m standing in line at Wal-Mart. I can build joy everywhere I go. It’s good for me, and it’s good for them. When I’m not living out of fear, joy has a chance to grow. 

Coming Soon:

Life & Recovery Coaching that will come along side YOU and teach you how to build an active relationship with Immanuel so you can move from a fear based life to a joy based life!

Sources:

a: “Joy Starts Here” by James Wilder, Edward Khouri, Chris Coursey, and Shelia Sutton www.joystartshere.com

b: "Brain-Based Parenting" by Daniel A. Hughes and Jonathan Baylin

c: “Reading a face is tricky business”  http://phys.org/news105118816.html#nRlv

Photos are mine

Jesus drawing found on google images

to the top

My friend and partner on this hike posted this picture and statement on Instagram…. And I couldn’t have said it better:

“Looking at this now, it's so hard to even see the trail, even when the blaze is showing the way. Life can be like that sometimes, can't it?” @jpothatsme

Before the final climb, we got lost. Well, not really lost, but definitely not on the right trail. While walking along, we totally missed one of the signs that told us which way to go. We kept going and going, oblivious to the fact that we were heading in the wrong direction.

Has that ever happened to you before?

Along the Tanawha Trail, this was not the first time in my life when I went the wrong way, and ended up making my journey longer than necessary.

Sometimes God puts signs up for us, and we walk right by them without even noticing them.

Sometimes we discover later on that we just worked really hard only to have to turn around and backtrack for awhile.

The same was true on this crazy hike of ours. What really blows my mind is that it wasn’t just the leader at the time that missed it…. All 3 of us missed it.

Be careful following others so closely that you forget to look around for your own signs along the way!

And, even more importantly, when you (or those you are with) make a mistake…. It’s not the end of the world.

Looking back at this moment of our journey, I am very aware of the fact that even though we were miserably uncomfortable at the time, we still responded tenderly to each other for our mistakes. There was no condemnation or blaming taking place, and no criticism either. So, we walked an extra .6 miles… at least we realized it before long… big deal. Staying true to who we really are meant we simply turned around and got back on track.

Reminds me of when the Lord shows me when I’m messing up something. My “repentance” doesn’t have to involve me feeling a truckload of shame or spiraling into a pit of despair. It’s more like “whoops…” and then go fix it. You know…. “go and sin no more”.

By the time we got back on track, we knew we were now behind schedule, and needing a “3^rd wind” so to speak. We also knew we were probably about a mile or so from meeting up with some others who were going to join us for the last segment of the hike. We began recognizing where we were and picking up our pace in anticipation of seeing their smiling faces. Just knowing that they were up ahead waiting for us gave us this rush of excitement that we needed to break on through this last piece of exhaustion.

When we reached Linn Cove Viaduct and heard my family members up there cheering us on, nothing could have been sweeter. Add to that the presence of a toilet and we were definitely smiling now!!!

This was mile 11.8.

The last leg of our journey was now here! All day we’d looked forward to this moment. We were energized by the presence of “fresh” hikers including my 17 year old daughter who effortlessly bounded ahead of us like an elf in the Lord of the Rings through Fanghorn forest. At one point I jokingly said something to her about deserving an award for most energetic hiker or something like that.

She stopped dead in her tracks, turned to look me in the eye and said “No, YOU deserve an award for hiking this WHOLE DAY”

BAM! There it was! The truth I had not yet looked at yet along my hike. MY VALUE! MY hard work, and effort, was worth something. I had reason to be proud of myself.

It took me looking at my daughter and feeling proud, and then her reflecting it back to me, for me to really get it.

The happiness and joy I felt in this moment burst through my exhaustion just like the sun bursting through the clouds.   And wouldn’t you know it… that’s exactly what happened next. The clouds began to part and the sun in the west began to shine on our path to the finish line up ahead.

The last mile was a blur really, I was fully aware that I was going to make it. There was no more doubt, no more uncertainty… only belief that continuing to put one foot in front of the other would lead me to my destination without failure.

My daughter, the elf, who was running ahead and then coming back to meet up with us, came back and said, it’s just up ahead around the corner!! You’re almost there!

Michelle turned back to me and said “Are you ready”…. And I was overwhelmed with a tidal wave of emotion that took my breath away. My eyes flooded with tears… the tears I’d heard other people talk about that came at the end of a race, the tears I had thought just 10 minutes prior would not likely be necessary…. Rushed into my eyes and clouded my vision with such ferocity I didn’t know how to stop them.

I hugged Michelle and choked on my emotions that had no words. Still now, I can’t put to words what I was feeling at that moment. Pride, relief, joy, excitement, love, passion, gratitude, and all the pain I’d carried along with me for the past 11 hours… or maybe it was the pain I’d carried with me for the past 41 years.

All of it came to the surface in that moment.

Then, we realized that somehow we had gotten here too early! My husband and other friends/family were not going to arrive for another 30 minutes or so! We couldn’t cross our finish line without them!!

So, we rested. We stopped .3 miles from the end and rested.

Never in a million years would I have pictured my ending to my Finish Line Hike like this! But God is good. And he loves to give good gifts. We stood there in the woods and soaked in His presence while we waited to take those last steps.

Fully washed in His love…. embracing the moment with all of our senses fully aware. We received His song…

“You’re more real than the wind in my lungs
You’re more real than the ground I’m standing on

You’re thoughts define me, you’re inside me
You’re my reality

Abba, I belong to you

You’re closer than the skin on my bones
You’re closer than the song on my tongue”

We knew even then, how purposeful it was that we were being asked to rest right before the crossing of the finish line.

In resting, we are more aware of God’s presence.

In resting, we can connect with Him even as we are striving towards a goal.

In resting, we are grounded to the reality of who we are in Him.

Resting restored our focus.

Resting gave us time to breathe in the moment and prevented us from rushing ahead and missing out on that tender moment in His arms. That tender moment of love between Father and Beloved even before we completed our task meant even more than if He had just offered it at the end.

This time of rest didn’t require me to finish… it was a freely given gift.

This time of rest had grace written all over it.

“So then, there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God, for whoever has entered God's rest has also rested from his works as God did from his.” Hebrews 4:9-10

After the time of rest, we walked arm and arm up to the finish line where we could celebrate. We didn’t need to rush forward and collapse in exhaustion because of the sweet rest we had just tasted. With eyes bright and spirits high, we crossed into that finish line together.

Valued, Worthy, and full of hope. 

an introduction to the immanuel process

A friend of mine once told me that she was envious of my ability to “self-heal”.  

But what she didn’t realize at the time was that I don’t heal myself… I only allow the Lord to come and do the work in me.

When I say things like that to people, sometimes I get a polite nod and an “isn’t that nice” type of response. Other times I am met with a totally blank stare. 

I realize that this concept of “allowing the Lord to heal me” is very vague and mysterious for someone who hasn’t experienced it themselves.

Sure, there are some circles (SOZO & other inner healing ministries) who know what I’m talking about… but to be honest, most of my “friends” aren’t in those circles! 

So, today I want to give you an example. A peek into one of those times that I let the Lord do some work in me. After reading this next section (which will come straight out of my prayer journal), I will then explain a little bit about what was going on and give you some links for learning more! And in case you're wondering- yes, this post will be a bit longer than normal!

*First some background on what was going on in my life at the time: I had just discovered that my uncle, (I’m giving him a fake name of Peter in this blog entry) who had abused me as a child, was on Facebook because his picture showed up in one of those “friends recommended for you” based on common friends notifications. I was thrown into a fit of disgust, despair and panic and found myself on the bathroom floor sick over the thought of him possibly seeing my daughter’s picture on Facebook somehow. The next morning I went to the Lord with my pain.

“Be with me Jesus, I am ready to go wherever you want to take me. Remind me of your love Lord-

I’m remembering when I was driving home from Bradenton watching the sunset- singing praises as loud as I could. Feeling so close to you God- feeling alive- my entire body lifted up and so aware of your presence in the car with me. I felt your love and your joy and your pride and overwhelming acceptance. All of this was felt at my core- I could feel you smiling- I was warmed and touched by the sunset- watching pink spread across the sky like a blanket- each breath I took seemed to extend the reaches of color even further across the sky. As I sang- you painted- and we created joy together.

In my mind, remembering this time, I need to ask you…. “Jesus, where are you now as I am faced with seeing Peter again?

Distractions… frustration… nothing!!!

(Decided to call my Dad to help me connect with Jesus again- I told him briefly about how I was stuck and not able to hear from Jesus about his situation)

I go back to the image in my mind of the car and thinking about the sunset and singing and joy together with Jesus.

I ask Jesus… “What’s up with this panicky feeling?”

Everything feels really dizzy….. the room is spinning ….

My Dad reminds me to stay focused on Jesus.

Everything is spinning but me and Jesus. Like in the mad tea cups at Disney world… in my head everything is crazy… but there’s Jesus. Standing still, in the middle of it all with me.

Now, instead of feeling panicky and afraid, I still see Jesus and I have peace.

Now it’s like a ride at the fair- part scary- part fun- exciting.

What does Jesus want to show me about all this spinning?

He takes my hands and spins me around like a child. We laugh together.

All the spinning in my head comes to a complete stop.

What now Jesus?

He still has my hand in his- and now we are in a very dark hallway.

But I’m not afraid. (Normally I would panic at this point, afraid of where he’s taking me)

But I’m not afraid. We’re just in a dark hallway… and suddenly I have a rush of overwhelming compassion for Peter come over me.

It’s like I’m here- at peace with my Jesus- but I know Peter is alone in the dark somewhere.

I ask Jesus, “Why aren’t I scared?”

And I notice that I know the door is right behind me. Behind the door is light- its outside- its fresh air and bright sunshine.

I ask, “Jesus, what do you want me to know about this door?

I have a choice. I can stay in the dark and let fear creep back over me OR I can go through the door and shut Peter alone inside OR I can go through and leave it cracked open so he can find the light OR I can go through and burst it open- letting the light flood in over him.

There’s no right or wrong here. It’s my choice.

I choose to leave it cracked open for him. It feels like me to do that. Part of me wonders if it would be more holy to leave it wide open though.

Jesus reminds me that when you’re in the dark- a large quantity of light thrown at you hurts… it’s gentler to do the “cracked door of light”.

Jesus is okay with my choice.

So Lord- what does this mean literally?

Peter has seen me- but I am not a victim- I have Jesus’ light in me- and it’s okay to let him see that.

The disgust I was feeling is gone- I don’t have to go charging at him- I can trust that God has a plan and take comfort in focusing on Jesus- not Peter.

I am safe."

What you just read is an example of what is called the “Immanuel Process”. This is a healing prayer format that is led by the spirit… not by man. It begins from a place of appreciation … in a “memory” of a good connection with the Lord. This is different from other inner healing methods because it begins in a place of safety instead of jumping headfirst into a trauma memory.

Sharing a time of peace and joy with “God with us” (Immanuel) essentially warms up our brain so that it is more open and receptive to hearing from God or dealing with pain. 

Because I had done this before, I was comfortable doing it right in my living room with just me and Immanuel. But I hit a wall. The issue I was dealing with was a big one and I needed someone else to come along side me as well to help me increase my capacity. That’s why I called my Dad. My Dad didn’t do much talking at all… he was simply glad to be with me and his presence  and familiarity with the situation and with the Immanuel process I was in gave me the strength I needed to overcome my fears. 

As you see, after hitting the wall… I had to go back to the joyful memory before pressing on further into the painful place. This is another key element of the Immanuel process that makes it feel much safer. 

Then you’ll notice that I still had a wall of sorts to get through… in the Immanuel process, whenever you notice something…whether it’s a feeling or a picture or a word… you simply ask Jesus what he wants you to know about it. As you can see from this example, he is quite capable of using the walls we hit to move us beyond them without our even realizing it!

Over the course of an Immanuel Process, the key element is that God is with me. Even though God is technically always with me… discovering where He is and recognizing that He is there is when I am able to experience His peace and healing happens. 

Before I knew (experienced) God was with me, I felt disgusting and panicky and I wanted to run away and hide forever. But then Immanuel showed me that He was with me and that I had a choice about what to do with my pain. When I made my choice and started to question if my choice was the right one, he came alongside me again and encouraged me. Knowing that I had a choice and that my choice was pleasing to Him removed the panic and the disgust that I felt before.

If you’d like to know more about how to experience Immanuel Healing for yourself… check out this free brochure with instructions from Life Model Works.  Or purchase this booklet with even more information: Share Immanuel

You can also learn more at Karl Lehman’s website. (He’s the Christian psychiatrist who developed this process.)

If you’d like someone to be your helper in learning to experience this process, I can help you with that! I am currently in the process of becoming a certified Life and Recovery Coach and plan to offer help with Immanuel process prayer as one of my services. I’m currently looking for some “practice clients” so email me if you’re interested!