the yellow brick road

Have you ever felt like part of you really missed out on something in childhood? Like, maybe you weren’t allowed to jump on the bed, maybe you wanted nothing more than to grow up, or perhaps you had a childhood like mine that was robbed of the carefree wonderment of being a kid way too young.

We spend the majority of our lives as adults, and the idea that childhood is fleeting doesn’t become understood until it’s much too late.

There is such simple joy in the way a child looks at life. Such innocence, joy and glee in the eyes of a child. It’s not surprising that Jesus wants us to be childlike when we approach him!

“He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them.  And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."  Matthew 18: 2-3

                              

Sometimes, life just speeds by and before we know it, we’ve forgotten what it feels like to stomp puddles in the rain.

Even though our job in life is to mature and grow. I don’t think that we really get what that means. Most of us just put on our pretend clothes and high heels and make the most of life by sneaking in an extra chocolate bar here and there hoping that will curb our desire to be giddy like children. Or perhaps we refuse to “grow up” and spend our lives searching for the next “night we won’t remember” with our friends because we think that “fun” times will keep us forever young.

But maybe, just maybe, “growing up” and “maturing” is not supposed to rob us of our joy, our innocence and our glee.

This year I’ve been on a journey… as I am every year… to get back something that was stolen from me long ago.

I’ve read before that the enemy is always waiting to pounce like a lion... and always wants to steal our joy. And I’ve known it to be true before, but this particular year I’ve seen it play out literally.

You see, a few months ago, I discovered the Land of Oz. The Land of Oz is an abandoned theme park on Beech Mountain here in NC. But in my memory, the Land of Oz was attached to a memory of my uncle molesting me when I was around 5 years old.

Without going all into THAT….. let me just say that because of that one day, I never got to really enjoy the “wonderful wizard of Oz”. This movie was part of my childhood every single year. It always came on the TV once a year and everyone made a big deal out of it coming on. Even me.

I loved the cowardly lion most of all, and each year, when the movie came on, I wanted to be that little girl all over again and JUST WATCH THE MOVIE. I wanted to be able to just enjoy the show.

But every year, I put on my “big girl pants” and pretended that the movie didn’t make me cringe inside. I pretended that I was Dorothy…. singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”… wishing that my own “rainbow” hadn’t been a nightmare. 

“Why oh why can’t I” became my life’s theme!

I LOVED how Dorothy would sing. I loved how she escaped the wicked witch. I loved how she made such wonderful friends along the yellow brick road, and I loved how safe she felt when she made it back home to Aunty Em.

But I didn’t escape the wickedness in my own life. I didn’t make many friends along the way… and I didn’t feel safe.  ~The enemy was successful in stealing my joy.  

“Why oh why can’t I”

Then, years later, (this year as a matter of fact), I got the opportunity to walk on the yellow brick road myself. I purposely went alone. I purposely wanted it to be just me and Jesus making my own trip to Oz. I was hoping it would be another critical step forward in my own recovery from sexual abuse. The morning of my adventure in healing, the Lord showed me a picture. I saw a toddler, just learning to walk. I saw the excitement and eagerness that both the child and the father had as the first steps were being taken. And I saw that child start to squat down as she got tired and decide to sit.

You know what I mean right? Have you ever seen a child’s first few steps? They take 1 or 2, and then plop right down on their butt. Safely sitting, because they KNOW how to do that and it’s much safer than falling!

With this picture, the Lord spoke to me, He told me that I was that child and that when I “sit” -I am no longer trusting Him to catch me. Then He showed me a new picture. This time, the loving Father was walking right with the child. And when the child started that squat position, about to sit on her own… the Father lovingly put his hands down to catch her bottom and push her back up… he encouraged her to keep walking along, and she did.

I totally “got” what He was trying to say to me, and I’m now learning to walk right along with my Father in a spiritual sense. He’s asking me to trust Him, and I’m receiving His “prodding” to keep moving forward, instead of sitting on my own or reverting back to crawling which I’ve already mastered. 

So, off we went to find my yellow brick road.

When I found it, I felt like a giddy little girl again. I couldn’t believe how excited I was. There I was, standing on the Yellow Brick Road walking along the forest with the talking apple trees! If anyone else had been there, they probably would have thought I was crazy… I giggled with glee when I saw the first tree face. This tree was “throwing” snowballs at me instead of apples and all I could do was literally laugh out loud at what was happening.

I felt the Lord there with me, enjoying my freedom to be in my very own Dorothy moment.

And then the enemy was there~ ready to pounce like a lion to steal my joy.

He is a clever enemy…. And he likes to use any opportunity to stop us from connecting with the Lord’s will for our lives.

So, the next thing I knew, my feet were slipping out from under me, and I was falling on an icy section of the yellow brick road! I threw my hand back behind me to catch myself, and broke my elbow in the process.

Instantly, this adventure became a little scary. The yellow brick road no longer looked inviting. The whole place felt creepy… and I started to cringe inside again.

I started to question God too. “Um Hello…. I thought you were the loving Father who would CATCH me if I walked instead of sitting!!!”

But something within me rose up and gave me the nerve to continue on and enjoy my plans for the day. (perhaps it was the cowardly lion who stepped up inside me and actually defeated the enemy posing as a lion!)

But, since I did actually break my elbow… the next 6 weeks gave me a chance to decide if I was going to let my joy be robbed or not.

I said “NOT”!

Once I came to terms with that ugly blame question that I silently wrestled with in the aftermath of this situation, I decide to go back. I had come to realize that it wasn’t God letting me down or removing his hand from me… it was an attack by the enemy to make me stop trusting God! A blatant attack, because the enemy doesn’t like it when God’s children start to realize who they are and what they are meant to do. He hates it when our relationship with the Lord becomes close and intimate!

I decided to not let the enemy win. I realized that this journey to Oz was not going to be just another place of wounded-ness that would give me cause to doubt my relationship with God. This journey to Oz was in fact, a step I needed to take to prove that I indeed have a brain~ that receives from the Lord, a heart~ that longs to skip and sing arm in arm with friends, and the nerve~ to overcome any pains the enemy sets out for me.

This time I went with a new friend who also loves adventures. It was still icy and cold, but it was a clear day and I discovered a gift that I didn’t know was mine. The yellow brick road leads to a majestic view of the Blue Ridge Mountains that totally blew me away!

The yellow brick road also brought me a new friend to share the curves with, and a new song to sing in my own voice.

There I was, high above the chimney tops, where troubles melt like lemon drops~ and my dreams were really coming true. I, like Dorothy, was realizing that “over the rainbow” is a state of mind. It was a new start, a place to look with fresh eyes at everything around me. A place to face my fears and a place to grab hold of the hand of a friend. Friends that will skip and sing away the dark places and friends that are glad to be together when you’re scared, sad, ashamed AND happy! A place where the winter white washes away the darkness and the mountains sing praises to their creator!

After I got home from my return to childhood…. My heart was full of joy. The whole day was one I will always remember and cherish. I’ve created new memories of Oz that don’t leave me feeling dirty or pained at all. I now have images of majestic beauty covered in snow that I love so much, and this will remain with me forever.

As always, the Lord loves to confirm my journeys with song.  I couldn’t help but smile when I listened to the song “Sing Winter” by my favorite worship artists Jonathan and Melissa Helser on the way home.

"Hear the song of beauty, melodies and sounds. Cover you in white love, a joy you lost but now you found."

I have found a joy that once was lost. I think that is exactly what the Lord wants me to do. Walking, skipping, singing, dancing, even twirling like a little girl in a winter wonderland…. All of these things are exactly what He wanted for me all along. This is how I will enter the kingdom of heaven. This is how I choose to grow up and maintain the joys of childhood forever.

And no enemy can stop me!

Repairing

 Reading in Nehemiah I couldn’t help but notice that the word “repaired” was repeated over and over again in Chapter 3.

This passage is all about how Nehemiah found the walls of Jerusalem in ruin and was inspired by God to have them rebuilt. Often when I think of “walls” I think of the walls that I’ve put up around my own heart to protect me. My walls have been used in the past to keep everyone out… including those I love, and even for some time, to keep God out too. I’ve spent years learning to tear DOWN my walls. If you’ve spent any time on my blog, you’ve seen lots of references to the REMOVAL of walls!

And here I find Nehemiah with instructions to REBUILD the walls of Jerusalem.   

And over and over again I see that the different sections of the wall were repaired.

The word repaired in my NIV Bible, is translated from the word cHazaq in Hebrew.  And while the word repaired works fine in this picture of rebuilding a wall, I was struck with how ELSE this word is used. cHazaq also means to give strength, to be made strong, to rally strength, to encourage.

So, would God want to have me made strong? Would God want to encourage me, to give me strength? YES!

I kept reading…

It also is used to say “to take courage, to hold onto, to embrace, to cling, to take hold of, to fasten (join together), to be equipped, supported, to fight bravely, to triumph, to be victorious

The same word is used in this verse

When he hesitated, the men grasped his hand and the hands of his wife and of his two daughters and led them safely out of the city, for the LORD was merciful to them. Genesis 19:16

 And again here

Lift the boy up and take him by the hand, for I will make him into a great nation.” Genesis 21:18

Sometimes there is a valid reason for needing protection. But God clearly wants to be with us on the inside of those protective walls. He wants to join together with us to keep us safe. He draws a picture of “repairing” that is synonymous with us taking hold of His hand and then clinging to Him. He repairs our heart walls with His strength, His love, and His bracings.

There is no shame in needing repair. Not once does the definition of repair say “fix” in the Hebrew word. I think sometimes we get offended that God would want to “repair” us because that means we need fixing. But this really isn’t about fixing anything is it.

Take the beauty of an old abandoned, decaying barn. (one of my favorite things). If you “fixed” it – it would become something totally different. It would lose some of its character and charm. But to strengthen it to keep it from falling down completely would be a wonderful thing. Especially if you could do it from the inside. Brace the walls, give it support, fortify it from within and it will stand forever.

I can imagine that the way I feel about looking at old buildings like this one is similar to how God looks at me. He sees beauty, as is. Am I weak in places? Yes, of course, but he doesn’t want to just tear me all the way down and start over. He chooses instead to “repair”.  He chooses instead to take what is already here, and give it what it needs to stand strong and triumph.  The story I hold in all my fallen walls is one that deserves to be gazed upon and loved. I choose to also embrace my weaknesses not in shame, but by reaching out my hand to take hold of the One who will give me strength and victory.

 I cry out “cHazaq me Lord! In all the ways it could be defined!”

Repair me Lord

Strengthen me Lord

Encourage me Lord

Support me Lord

Join together with me Lord

Fortify me Lord

Brace me Lord

Embrace me Lord

Equip me Lord

Fight bravely with me Lord

Triumph with me Lord

Be victorious with me Lord

the point...points forward.

Sometimes when I sit down to write, I honestly have no idea where to begin.

There is so much running through my head, and it’s all so complicated I imagine that any stranger reading it would have no clue what they were reading.  But if I truly started at the beginning, those of you that actually know me might get bored and not get to the POINT that I’ve come to realize as of THIS MORNING!

So, I’m gonna start with “THE POINT” and then work from the beginning, forward.

“So let’s keep focused on the goal, those of us who want everything God has for us”

~Philippians 3:15 The Message Translation

Some years ago, I lost sight of my goal. I gave up on some of the things God has for me. Well, actually it was really just one thing. One major thing.

6 1/2 years ago I had a goal. I believed that God wanted me to succeed in that goal and I joined together with a group of other people who also had that same goal. I mostly reached that goal, for a moment. But in the midst of that process I was deeply hurt and I got stuck in shame for a long time because of it. The result: my goal was fleeting and I stop believing that it was mine to hold onto.

Somewhere along the way, I started believing that if my goal was something God wanted for me, that He would just “give it to me” and I wouldn’t run the risk of taking any of the glory for myself.  Eventually I started believing that God didn’t want that goal to be mine. (Since He didn’t just “give it to me”)

But the truth is, that goal is mine. That goal is part of His plan for me. As I have lived pretending that it’s not important to me anymore, I have become stubborn and rigid. My refusal to even glance at that goal anymore meant I needed to build a really big brick wall…. A very thick brick wall that pushed me further and further backwards away from the goal!

Part of me even started to blame God for how far away I’ve gotten from my goal. I would be lying if I denied ever thinking “if He had just “given it to me” then I could have held onto it”. I’d be lying if I denied ever thinking “this brick wall was built by HIM to make sure I don’t ever reach that goal”. And thoughts like that probably gave birth to thoughts like “He is a mean God, because He wants to take that goal away from me”.

Each thought like that, added a brick to my wall. And led me backwards another step.

But then I read,

“…He rescued me because He delighted in me” 2 Samuel 22:20

And I knew…. Really knew in my soul, that those words were true for me too. I felt His delight in me. And then I also read,

“You are my lamp, O Lord; the Lord turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop, with my God I can scale a wall” 2 Samuel 22:29-30

And I became aware of 2 things. 1^st- the Lord is involved. 2^nd- David DOES something… he advances and is able to do the impossible.

I kept reading.

“It is God who arms me with strength….. He enables me to stand on the heights…. He trains my hands for battle, my arms can bend a bow of bronze…You armed me with strength for battle…. And I destroyed my foes.” (Excerpts from 2 Samuel 22)

While I’ve been sitting behind my brick wall, believing that God didn’t want me to reach my goal because he wasn’t behaving like a genie would have… I failed to utilize the strength He had given me. I failed to “train for battle” and I completely dismissed all thoughts of “destroying my foes” myself.

For the past 6 years, I have been creating and trusting in lies and moving backward. Apparently I’m not unlike the Israelites as written about in Jeremiah.

“But look, you are trusting in deceptive words that are worthless” Jer. 7:8

“they went backward, not forward” Jer. 7:24

“they cling to deceit” Jer. 8:5

That last verse sent me to explore the Message translation in context, where I really woke up this morning.

“So why does this people go backward, and just keep on going backward? They stubbornly hold onto their illusions, refuse to change direction. I listened carefully, but heard not so much as a whisper. No one expressed one word of regret. Not a single “I’m sorry” did I hear. They just kept at it, blindly and stupidly banging their heads against a brick wall”. Jer 8:5-6

With that, the truth was revealed to me. The Lord’s light came bursting through my brick wall with His Word. I repented wholeheartedly… for all of those things.

And now I come to the point again. Today I have opened my eyes to take hold of the vision of my goal. The goal that my God has set before me, because He delights in me and wants what’s best for me.

“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” Philippians 3:13

So, does anyone want to join with me in looking forward and moving forward?! (Request to join my group on Facebook!)

(PS- at the end of my journey with the Lord and His Word this morning, He prompted me to put on a new CD I had just downloaded for free yesterday... this is the song that came on 1st.... and I'm certain it was a clear message to me from my Savior!