valued celebration

Late last year I wrote a blog post called “The Point”, and in that post I was coming to the realization that I needed a goal. Ever since then, I have been reaching towards a goal of healthier eating and physical activity. I’ve been the tortoise in this scenario, rather than the rabbit, but I am still moving forward towards that goal.

At the same time, I’ve been participating in a course that my friend Michelle Howe (howeawesome.com) is running that goes along with her book titled “It is Finished”. In this course, she challenges us to begin training for a race of some sort that has a “finish line” for us to cross. She asked us to assign a “word” to our race early on in the course and to keep it in mind as we train and prepare to cross that finish line.

It took me awhile to realize what my “word” was going to be, but the Lord kept showing me over and over that my finish line word was “Valued”. I am valued. I am worth A LOT to Him! As I train, and walk towards my goals of healthy living, He is cheering me on because I am finally beginning to recognize my own value! Taking the time to eat healthy and exercise not because I’m disgusted with myself but because I’m WORTH the effort is a major mind shift and it’s exciting for Him to see me here.  I am leaving behind my insecurity, and the nagging belief system that whispered in my head “you’re not good enough” for most of my life. And when I cross my “finish line” I will be able to CELEBRATE!!!

Celebration is also a “new” thing for me too. Understanding that I am valued gives me permission to celebrate my accomplishments!

In the past, I have felt good about things, but my external ability to actually celebrate them was always subdued and held back. I think part of that is because I was never giving myself permission to believe that I was worthy of celebration.  

One memory stands out to me as a good example of this. When I was 14 or so, I was living at a place called Dunklin Memorial Camp out in the middle of nowhere in Okeechobee, FL. My parents were in training to work with addicts there. While it wasn’t always the best place for a 14 year old girl to live, I actually loved it. For the first time in my life I could actually be around HORSES! I LOVED horses! Dunklin had horses and I would walk to the barn every day and just hang out with the horses. I would whistle and they would run to see me. I would take care of them, lay in the fields with them, and I learned to ride them too. The leader of Dunklin, Mickey Evans, recognized that I loved horses and went out of his way to get me my own horse! I was beyond excited and inside I was jumping and squealing in delight.  But when I got my horse… I stayed calm, and cool, and barely said thank-you.

This was one of those times when someone in my life valued me and gave me a gift that I couldn’t celebrate because I didn’t recognize my own value. I didn’t feel worthy of the gift, and therefore I couldn’t celebrate the gift when I received it.

I think I even approached Jesus that way over the years as well.

I received His gift. But for years I didn’t recognize my own value and didn’t feel worthy of the gift… and therefore I couldn’t celebrate the gift when I received it.

The same is true of things I accomplished over the years. When others would be proud of me, I would smile and be polite, but I didn’t celebrate.  Not recognizing my own value had prevented me from a lifetime of joyful celebrations!

You know what? I’m ready to celebrate!

I am ready to celebrate gifts that are given to me, and I’m ready to celebrate accomplishments I make. I am starting to realize that my accomplishments ARE gifts! They are gifts to myself!! My accomplishments are gifts to myself because I am WORTH IT!

So, who wants to celebrate with me?!

I am planning a big “Finish Line Hike” for Mother’s Day weekend. My friend Michelle and my friend Jessica have both agreed to join me on this momentous occasion to walk with me and share in the journey. This hike will traverse across almost 14 miles of the Blue Ridge Mountains on the Tanawha Trail. We will climb 3487 feet and descend 2736 feet within those 14 miles. We will go through tranquil pastures, tunnel through thickets of laurel and rhododendron, dip down into remote hardwood coves, ascend across boulder fields, and hop across cascading streams.

My “Finish Line” will be at the top of Beacon Heights right before sunset where we will celebrate our journey with friends and family.

(This hike will take us at least 10 hours!!  Technically, we are doing the trail “backwards” by going from the lowest point to the high point, but I wanted my finish line to have the big view rather than end at the low point. Since most people hike it going “down” in 7 hours, I’m thinking it will take a little longer to hike it “up”.)

If you can come to hike a section with me…. Or even just cheer me on along the way at a few points where the trail comes close to the Blue Ridge Parkway…. Or to celebrate with me at the finish line I’d love it!

I will have an actual “schedule” posted on my Facebook as we get closer, but it will be on Saturday May 10^th.
UPDATE: Here is a Tentative Schedule. We might need to start really early depending on the weather report! 

Finish Line Hike Tentative Schedule “A”

8am: Tanawha Trail Entrance @ Price Lake (park near Amphitheater)

11:40-12:00 Lunch – Boone Fork Parking Area mm 300- walk up about 600 feet to the Boone Fork River to meet us for lunch!

2:30 *Rough Ridge Parking Area on our way up to Rough Ridge (mm 302.8)

4:30-4:45 Linn Cove Visitor Center MM 304.4 (potty break!)

6:30 @ Beacon Heights FINISH LINE (mm 305.2) (Take trail from parking area… always fork “right”. Wait for us on the flat rocks! This section of the trail is only about .35 miles)

* means we will be on the trail near there. If you want to meet us or cheer us on, you may need to hike from the parking area to the Tanawha Trail connection. (less than 300 feet)

Optional Timing:

Finish Line Hike Tentative Schedule “B”

6:30 am: Tanawha Trail Entrance @ Price Lake (park near Amphitheater)

10:15-10:30 Boone Fork Parking Area mm 300- walk up about 600 feet to the Boone Fork River to meet us for a snack break!

1:00 *Rough Ridge Parking Area on our way up to Rough Ridge (mm 302.8) (Johnny will bring us lunch to bring to the top)

3:15-3:30 Linn Cove Visitor Center MM 304.4 (potty break!)

5:00 @ Beacon Heights FINISH LINE (mm 305.2) (Take trail from parking area… always fork “right”. Wait for us on the flat rocks! This section of the trail is only about .35 miles)

See you on the Tanawha!

disappointing God

“I know you and everything about you. Why would I have an expectation other than what I already know? That would be foolish. And beyond that, because I have no expectations, you never disappoint me”.

~Papa, The Shack

The first time I read this, my jaw literally dropped at this new mind blowing concept. Could this be true? Could it be possible that God was never disappointed in me? In all my failures? In all my short comings?

My mind wrestled with this new idea for months. It kept coming back to this dark hidden belief that I had deep down in my heart that my Father in heaven was surely disappointed in me.

I was a sinner after all. And even when I “confess and repent”... I had to face the fact that I had disappointed him as part of that process.  Right?

Looking at this new concept brought up a truck load of disappointments in my life.

•  Wasn’t my very existence a disappointment to my biological father (who left the country when he found out my mom was pregnant), wasn’t my conception something that caused disappointment in my mother by her family? By his family? I mean for real… having a child out of wedlock at 15 MUST have been a disappointment! Surely God was disappointed when I was conceived.
• Wasn’t I disappointed by not having a father growing up? YEP Surely God was disappointed by that too. 
•  Wasn’t I disappointed when I was abused by a neighbor, by my uncle and by family “church” friends throughout my youth? YEP. Surely God was disappointed by that too.
• Wasn’t I disappointed when my mom got married and I had to start sharing her? Yep. Maybe God wasn’t disappointed by that, but I sure was at first.
• Wasn’t my constant mask wearing a disappointment to everyone around me? Or actually, WOULDN’T it be a disappointment when my different groups of friends discovered my masks? This was a fear I hid from for a LONG time! Surely God was disappointed in me for wearing masks.
•  Wasn’t it my fault when my kids messed up? Wasn’t my “disappointment” in their issues actually disappointment in my own parenting failures? Surely God was disappointed in me more than He was in them.

The list went on and on… times and places where I had been disappointed by others, and I was disappointing to others.  

But here I was, starting to recognize a still small voice negating the idea that God was disappointed.

At first I wanted to hold tightly to the idea that God was disappointed. That’s one of the ways that I had been able to grasp the concept of “when bad things happen”. When bad things happened, they disappointed God too, and someday they’d pay for it!!! 

Wait a minute… looking at this “when bad things happen” to me stuff, shouldn’t I be using a stronger, harsher word than “disappointed”? Some of these things on my disappointment list should have made me downright angry. Some of them legitimately could have made me sad. As I began to explore this concept, I was able to move past the band-aid of “disappointment” and actually deal with my anger and sadness over all the hurts in my life. I also realized that much of my life was being lived in fear of disappointing others! The feeling I had when I thought about disappointing God and others was toxic shame. It didn’t go away easily. 

Sometime later I re-read the Shack, and there it was again.

“I know you and everything about you. Why would I have an expectation other than what I already know? That would be foolish. And beyond that, because I have no expectations, you never disappoint me”.

~Papa, The Shack

This time I could see a loving Father, looking directly into my eyes saying it even clearer.

“You never disappoint me… I know exactly how many times you’re going to mess up before you get it right. Each time you miss the mark it’s a cause for celebration because you’re now 1 miss closer to the time you’ll get it right!”

Sin means we’re malfunctioning. We’ve fallen short of His design for our lives. Sin is a failure on our part. But here God was telling me that when I sin (miss the mark) he’s not disappointed?! 

What if He was pleased just to be in relationship with me?

What if He was pleased that I could agree with him that I mess up (daily!)?

This looks totally different from a God who was disappointed in me for my weaknesses.

Then the word GRACE interrupted my thoughts. I saw the cross. I saw Jesus there, dying for my malfunctions… every one of them. And the big picture became clearer. He’s not disappointed, because He already paid for it. He’s not disappointed because He didn’t expect anything less.

I don’t need to “get it right” to please Him. This love and grace He extends is stronger than all the lies that try to separate us. 

All He asks of me is that I admit that I didn’t get it right. He doesn’t ask me to wallow in guilt and shame for weeks over it… just look in His eyes and “celebrate that I’m 1 miss closer to the time I’ll get it right”.

And even though I don’t know the future, I want to extend this way of life to my loved ones. I am done putting expectations onto the people around me and falling into the despair of disappointment when they fail. People fail us, that’s what they do. I fail too.

But I have (and continue to) experienced the tender heart of a loving God in response to my failures and now I’m beginning to want to do the same for those around me that mess up too.